Ok, I had my moment of getting in touch with my emotions and coming to grips with this topic of cheating. But thanks to one of my favorite hip hop groups, Little Brother, I gotta do a part deux...a follow up with you will.
The premise for part two is the track "Breakin my Heart" off LB's new album Getback (which is HOTNESS by the way). It's an explanation, if you will, of how men think in terms of fidelity and they're approach to needing to tap into their "natural" tendencies to roam. It's fascinating...and devastating at the same time.
Disclaimer: I am going to be a bit of a potty mouth here, forgive me. Check this:
Mamma was like baby now I hate to see your tears, but I been with your daddy for bout 35 years
And in my day I had to turn a blind eye to cheatin, but I ain’t neva had to wear no black eye from beatins
As long as he’s doin right by you and your kids how you gon expect that man not to be who he is
I ain’t sayin that it’s right but we often pay the price cuz the woman’s life is love, a man’s love is life.
And he gon live it to the fullest…but you should know by now that all niggas is dogs
betta to have a rich pit than a broke German Shepard…..
(C) Little Brother "Breakin' My Heart"
I'mma deal with that foolishness in a minute.
Where do I begin? I had this conversation with a couple of guys that are very close to me, and they pretty much agree with the song in terms of that's how some men think...a lot of men think. I was informed that the desire to step outside of the relationship....fuck that...CHEAT is a natural instinct that men have. Michael Baisden has said several times that it is not natural for a man to be monogamous. A friend of mine said it is "Natural Instinct, Primal Instinct". He also went on to say "in this world of til forever due us part the faithful man is an unhappy man unless he has the funds to take his mind off if ,this primal instinct". Granted not all men are the same. But the people who told me this are in amazing relationships and ADORE the women they are with. If these guys, who are in incredibly happy relationships, tell me they wish they had capitalized on an opportunity to step out, what the fuck does that mean for us? Us as in the women who cook their meals, massage their neck at the end of the day, buy that uncomfortable lingerie they like so much, support and encourage them when they feel like giving up, and of course puttin it down between the sheets, even though we're dog tired. What are we supposed to do then?
So back to the lyrics. Do we just accept this and say "Oh well! That's just the way he is! At least he doesn't beat me! He's just bein a man"? I can't really describe my level of disgust right now. And granted, I appreciate the honesty, and part of my reaction is just dealing with the reality that men think this way (as I said, not ALL men). And this is funny because when I ask if they'd be ok with an open relationship where their girl can hook up if she wants to, they're not having that. So on top of this BS we have the double standard. The excuse is "She cheats for love", "we cheat to come".
So here's my main question: If this is primitive, primal, natural instinct. At what point do you think you can fend that off? In my opinion, given the definition of "Natural instinct"...it can't be fended off. In other words, it's bound to happen.
Thank God for Sex Shops and Artificial insemination....somebody might have to go this shit alone......
2 comments:
Great topic! I can totally relate to the fear of being rejected, explaining why I have never in my 27 ½ years been in a committed relationship. NEVER. Because I’ve never been in a relationship I can’t really speak to fear of being cheated on. However I have been the other woman, with both men and women…many years ago. Not something I’m proud of but it’s in the past. I don’t believe any two people cheated for the same reasons which would lead me to believe it’s more than just “primal instinct”. Some instances where just about opportunity and others were because they weren’t getting what they “needed” at home. Or at least that’s the picture they painted.
Most men seem to think confidence is what’s really sexy about women, not that they make it easy for us. There is always another woman who’s smarter, funnier, thinner and prettier ready and willing to scoop up another woman’s man. Especially considering handsome, intelligent, good heterosexual men…black men, are in such short supply. With that being said can we be both “paranoid/concerned” about our significant others cheating AND confident at the same time? No! This issue seems to be a deal breaker in a lot of relationships.
I can’t imagine the strength it must take to be truly vulnerable with someone else (I won’t even cry in public) but I did grow up with both parents happily married and a father who was definitely faithful and I would say it seems to pay off in the end. I have two brothers, both great guys and very handsome…and faithful. There are guys out there I believe that want to be monogamous and are worth trusting. Sometimes I wonder if we put men on pedestals and forget they are human and make mistakes. Are we above forgiveness?
I’m learning not to let my fears and insecurities hold me back from happiness and understanding that I deserve it, everybody does. And rejection isn’t always personal; sometimes it’s really NOT about us. I guess love is just a gamble.
I believe in forgiveness and I know that I can forgive my man if he cheats. However, my forgiveness has nothing to do with whether or not I will stay with him. If he is unrepentant, it's over!
If a man cheats and he doesn't tell his woman then he is knowingly manipulating the relationship. When he cheats, he takes the focus off of his woman. No real woman is going to put up with this for long. Either she is going to step out herself or go to jail for first degree murder. You can't play with someone's heart.
Let me put the blame back on the women also. Most women who cheat with a man knows that he has a woman. What the hell! What comes around will go around! When a women loves themselves, they will look a taken man in his face and say, hell no!
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