Cheating. Sigh. I was really really trying to avoid this topic. Not because of what other people have to say about it, but more because it’s a subject that really makes me uncomfortable. It seems like every talk show, radio show, or sitcom that I’ve seen within the past 10 days has been about relationship cheating. Hell even Oprah’s show last week was about mistresses and infidelity!! And every time I watched or heard about it, I became increasingly uncomfortable. Bare with me here because I am likely to be all over the place with my thoughts....
I’ve never cheated in a relationship and, to my knowledge, I’ve never been cheated on. And because of that I’ve been wondering why this topic makes me incredibly nauseous. And it hit me. Rejection. Underneath all the rage and anger that I feel and the “oh no he didn’t”s and “I wish a n#gga would”s, my main issue is the fear of rejection that this cheating discussion invokes. And the only reason I even care is, of course, because I’m in a serious relationship.
My purpose in bringing this up is not to spark a debate about why men and women cheat, and who cheats more (men or women), and whether or not it’s excusable, blah, blah. I’m not here to define it either (as that seems to change from relationship to relationship). I’ve heard it enough times, and I’ve heard more rationales for it than I’d like. But I’m more or less opening up about my reaction and, more importantly, my interpretation of the discussion, and what it means for my relationship. Disclaimer: because I am a female in a heterosexual relationship, my views will be from a heterosexual woman’s point of view.
Rejection. That awful R word. That’s what I think about when I think about the possibility of being cheated on. It’s being so close and so vulnerable to someone only to find out that you’re not good enough. I’ve heard from a few guys in my circle that men can have meaningless flings without emotional attachment. That they can be with a woman and not even LIKE her. I suppose that should sooth my apprehensions…I mean after all “it’s just sex”, not LOVE, right?? Wrong. And as a woman I will never feel that way. I could go on also about the lying and manipulation that takes place in this kind of situation, but again I’m trying to keep personal…what I think about it and what it means for me.
I’m in a serious relationship with someone who truly shows me what love and commitment should be. I completely trust him, but there are times where I wonder if I might not be a victim one day. I’m a neurotic control freak who, admittedly, spends way more time worrying about potentially negative situations than focusing on the blessings that are in front of me. I’m still learning to totally give in to my feelings and allow myself to experience true love…and as a result of doing this, I relinquish all control. Honestly, as I type this I have no clue where I am going with this because there are so many directions I could take. But since I’ve been hearing about this topic so often, it just seems like so many people are taking the whole cheating thing lightly…like it’s just the thing to do these days. And that scares me. I guess that’s all I’m really trying to say……
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