The Day I Discovered Grandpa is Uncle Ruckus

I've never been a huge huge fan of the Boondocks, but in the few times I have watched it, one main character has managed the sear himself in the crevices of my memory: Uncle Ruckus. I didn't REALLY think older black people thought like this, or at least if they did, that perhaps his character was an over dramatization of a very small ounce of reality. Sure, I definitely have my moments of cursing our people who insist on fulfilling the negative stereotypes. But for an old school, pre-integration black person to adopt (and moreover express) black=inferior as their general school of thought seemed exaggerated to me. Until this past weekend when grandpappy paid us a little visit....

I don't really mind putting the old man on blast simply because he would have no problem owning up to his view points and explaining why black people aren't what's hot (to be diplomatic). In fact, he gave us a detailed lecture this weekend.....hence the emergence of the reality that is Uncle Ruckus. We were in NC to visit my parents this past weekend; all of us were sitting in the sun room lounging around when my fiance' mentioned that he is searching for a black dentist and black physician to go to in the DC metro area. Mind you my dad is a black physician in Greensboro so this question was more directed at him for some guidance. But alas, the first to respond is the bourgeoisieness that is my grandfather with some version of this (I don't remember exactly): "are you sure you want to go with black ones? I think you should look for some white ones too". Granted I've made comments about how black folk need to get it together and be more professional, but his response had a more emphatic tone to it. There it all was out in the open, his belief system: We'd be better off seeing a white dentist and physician. This was followed up with several examples (and many loud words from my mother, lol) of black employees he hired in the past that were unprofessional, made mistakes, and more importantly cost his business more money. Yes, I said it. HIS business. He is a black man who owned his own business for several years, yet takes comfort in the services of whites. What did he expect other people to think about him, the black service provider that he was? But I was surprised, and I probably should not have been. Granted it's this line of thinking that leads to the generational curse of lost identity that plagues our community. But to hear it in our very own sun room? I was never exposed to that kind of talk growing up from any of my own flesh and blood. He didn't come out and call us niggaz or coons, but he didn't really have to. To add insult to injury I also learned that weekend that my Grandmother voted for Hillary in the primaries. In reference to Obama she said, "I don't trust him". Go figure. Perhaps I am the last to figure this out, but I found the confirmation of Uncle Ruckus (and Ms. Ruckus) to be a bit disturbing, and yet at the same time, incredibly hilarious.

Does God hate us or do we hate ourselves?

I find myself asking this question quite a bit these days. I just read an article that DC is “ground zero” for HIV/Aids in African American women (see www.Essence.com). Obviously, I’ve always known the alarming statistics for the rise in the epidemic in our community. But reading that inspired me to write about it. How can this be?? What is REALLY going on? Between drug use and unprotected sex with multiple partners, I really just can’t understand what the f*ck is happening here. Are we in denial about the facts on how it is spread? Do we accept it and just don’t care and decide we’ll deal with it then? Are men really lying about their heterosexuality in alarming numbers as it is reported over and over again? Sigh. What makes us behave in ways that cause our destruction over and over and over again? Do we hate ourselves and our families so much that we would play Russian roulette with our lives on such a consistent and wide spread basis, or does God just hate us so much that he’s allowing this massive destruction to hit our communities? I can talk about economic and racial inequalities, injustices, etc. But at the end of the day isn’t it really us that is responsible for our livelihood? How much can we blame on the white man? I dunno dude..I’m just thinking “out loud” so to speak and I am very disheartened…and even more than that perplexed. Someone brought up and interesting thought recently and asked if it’s possible that black people could be extinct. My initial reaction was no, of course not. But today, at 7:20pm I’m not so sure anymore…..

My Sucky Week...That ended in the greatest day of my life

Wow, it has been well over four months since I have posted a blog (shame on me!) and I guess I have just been uninspired...ok who am I fooling...I've just been LAZY. But all of that shall come to an end, because, literally, the greatest day of my life has just happened. My fiance' asked me to be his wife. Now, you're probably thinking this is going to be one of those super mushy, super disgustingly sappy blogs that makes you dry heave just thinking about it. That's not the case, here. It's more or less about the drama leading up and into to this blissful day. Despite the smiles and happy tears in the pictures, A LOT else was going on with me.

I had the flu. Not a cold with "flu-ish" symptoms that you kind of get over in a couple of days. I had that full blown, knock you on your ass and bring everyone else down with you flu. So the whole week I am sleeping and working and eating and popping pills (wash, rinse repeat). I'm aware that my birthday is coming up that Friday but as far as I know we're just going to dinner and maybe a party on Saturday.

Friday gets here and I am absolutely DETERMINED to get better. I get some prescription meds (the good ISH) and take that before I lay down to rest before going to dinner. An hour passes and I become fast friends with the loo. My stomach is hard as a brick...ok maybe not a brick but...well you now what i mean! It's just hard! And i can barely walk. Pain isn't even a word to describe what I am feeling. But being the greedy black that I am, I am still willing and determined to get some Italian food...at least that i can take home in a doggy bag. We drive all the way to Chevy Chase for dinner. I am in the passenger seat in tears from the pain. And anyone who has hurt badly enough knows that you go off in a zone and you're completely oblivious to anything else around you. We finally get there...and I'm limping, slightly hunched over behind him as I follow him upstairs. POWWWW!!!!!!!! I see my parents....is that Derrick? Holy Sh*T it is! Charles and Travis is that you?? Travay??!! Sam!! (ok you get the point)..I'm so shocked to see everyone I love in one room that I drop my purse, start backing up and ultimately break down in tears (think "I'm comin' to ya Elizabeth!"). I mean the ugly boo hoo crying face break down. My mom had to send for me. This dude threw me a straight up SURPRISED PARTY! A party with open bar I might add. And Food. And Dessert. None of which i was really able to enjoy. It's the craziest situation to mentally be at 110% and physically be at 15%. I had the best time..me and my superhard, supercramped up stomach. And then of course there is the surprise engagement (it just won't stop!). Crying starts back up again...leading to a headache. Supercrampy stomach + super throbby head. As my spirits sour, my body inwardly crashes. It's the strangest dichotomy. No one can tell any of this is going. There's definitely something to be said for mind over matter...

So the point is to say that, despite what everyone saw, I was physically in one of the worst conditions I've been in a long time. But that my fiance' was able take what could have been my worst day made it into the best day.

Not So Southern Hospitality

I'm a native North Kakalakian and I've lived in the VA/DC area for a couple of years now, but I swear I did not inherit the southern hospitality gene. People around here LOVE to speak and wave. And I can't stand it. The random conversations in the metro, the "hello's" and "how are you doing's"...it all gets to be a bit much (especially when you've encountered it from 10 people already). I live in an area that attracts a lot of people, so I walk around always feeling like I have to be "on". I spend 40-60 hours a week bojangling it up with my co-workers. You mean I'm supposed to do that for complete strangers too? Just because I'm walking my dog and you're walking your dog does not mean we need to stop and chat...in fact, the mindless yacking is preventing my dog from handling his business (a sista got thangs to do!) That's not my style, and really, even in the NC it wasn't my style then. Do I really need to speak to you other than giving you directions or calling 911 (yeah ok that's a bit extreme but still..)? Walking to and from the metro, going to the mall, grocery store, post office, etc. is my ME time! I love it in NYC because no one expects you to communicate with them. It's great. Is it really so bad to not want to make eye contact all the time and keep it moving? Is it wrong to want to take time to myself to think and decompress...EVEN while I'm walking down the street? I'm not a mean person, I just like to think it's ok to add boundaries to your personal space.....

Confessions of an Ex NBA Hater

I had the privilege of going to a Washington Wizards game last night, my first NBA game ever. And I must confess...I had a GREAT time. Sure there were those exciting childlike moments where I caught a flying free towel and t-shirt, but other than that watching the game up close and personal was an excellent experience. But I didn't always feel this way.

Up until last night I swore off watching anything related to the NBA (sports shows, games, players interviews, online stats, etc.). I just didn't care. Which oddly enough is how I used to feel about football...and of course now it's the highlight of my fall and winter. I remember staring blankly at my sweetheart who, full of excitement, ran into the bedroom to tell me how LeBron James singlehandedly won the game against the Detroit Pistons during the playoffs. As if by osmosis, this incredible feat would instantly change my opinion about basketball."Whatever" was my mental response to him...but of course being the intuitive man that he is, knew exactly what I was thinking and walked off looking very disappointed. There were also those moments when I laughed out loud as I watched an interview with Kevin Garnett as he broke down in front of the cameras while talking about how he hates to lose (Oh boo hoo hoo....nobody likes to lose fool!). You gotta admit when he put up the church index finger to cut the cameras off, was funny as hell. I still call him a crybaby but I try not to out of respect for the reverence Gerald has for him. The ironic thing about my previous distaste for the sport is that I love to watch competitive games. I used to be an athlete in my younger years and, oddly enough, I am still quite competitive (ask Gerald how I behave when I lose a game of 500). The NBA has all of that, yet for whatever reason, I just wasn't interested or open to watching any games, let alone talk about them.

But all of that has changed now. It seems kind of weird that after one live game I am now interested in the sport, but sometimes, as humans, one experience is all we need. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to track players, and stats, and make predictions like I sometimes do with football. But I am saying that perhaps I am a changed woman, and that I can have double the fun during the fall and winter seasons. I can hear Gerald chuckling somewhere in the background......

The Awful "C" Word: Part Deux

Ok, I had my moment of getting in touch with my emotions and coming to grips with this topic of cheating. But thanks to one of my favorite hip hop groups, Little Brother, I gotta do a part deux...a follow up with you will.

The premise for part two is the track "Breakin my Heart" off LB's new album Getback (which is HOTNESS by the way). It's an explanation, if you will, of how men think in terms of fidelity and they're approach to needing to tap into their "natural" tendencies to roam. It's fascinating...and devastating at the same time.

Disclaimer: I am going to be a bit of a potty mouth here, forgive me. Check this:

Mamma was like baby now I hate to see your tears, but I been with your daddy for bout 35 years

And in my day I had to turn a blind eye to cheatin, but I ain’t neva had to wear no black eye from beatins

As long as he’s doin right by you and your kids how you gon expect that man not to be who he is

I ain’t sayin that it’s right but we often pay the price cuz the woman’s life is love, a man’s love is life.

And he gon live it to the fullest…but you should know by now that all niggas is dogs

betta to have a rich pit than a broke German Shepard…..

(C) Little Brother "Breakin' My Heart"

I'mma deal with that foolishness in a minute.

Where do I begin? I had this conversation with a couple of guys that are very close to me, and they pretty much agree with the song in terms of that's how some men think...a lot of men think. I was informed that the desire to step outside of the relationship....fuck that...CHEAT is a natural instinct that men have. Michael Baisden has said several times that it is not natural for a man to be monogamous. A friend of mine said it is "Natural Instinct, Primal Instinct". He also went on to say "in this world of til forever due us part the faithful man is an unhappy man unless he has the funds to take his mind off if ,this primal instinct". Granted not all men are the same. But the people who told me this are in amazing relationships and ADORE the women they are with. If these guys, who are in incredibly happy relationships, tell me they wish they had capitalized on an opportunity to step out, what the fuck does that mean for us? Us as in the women who cook their meals, massage their neck at the end of the day, buy that uncomfortable lingerie they like so much, support and encourage them when they feel like giving up, and of course puttin it down between the sheets, even though we're dog tired. What are we supposed to do then?

So back to the lyrics. Do we just accept this and say "Oh well! That's just the way he is! At least he doesn't beat me! He's just bein a man"? I can't really describe my level of disgust right now. And granted, I appreciate the honesty, and part of my reaction is just dealing with the reality that men think this way (as I said, not ALL men). And this is funny because when I ask if they'd be ok with an open relationship where their girl can hook up if she wants to, they're not having that. So on top of this BS we have the double standard. The excuse is "She cheats for love", "we cheat to come".

So here's my main question: If this is primitive, primal, natural instinct. At what point do you think you can fend that off? In my opinion, given the definition of "Natural instinct"...it can't be fended off. In other words, it's bound to happen.

Thank God for Sex Shops and Artificial insemination....somebody might have to go this shit alone......

Any and ALL comments are welcome, seriously. Help a sista understand….

The Awful "C" Word.......

Cheating. Sigh. I was really really trying to avoid this topic. Not because of what other people have to say about it, but more because it’s a subject that really makes me uncomfortable. It seems like every talk show, radio show, or sitcom that I’ve seen within the past 10 days has been about relationship cheating. Hell even Oprah’s show last week was about mistresses and infidelity!! And every time I watched or heard about it, I became increasingly uncomfortable. Bare with me here because I am likely to be all over the place with my thoughts....

I’ve never cheated in a relationship and, to my knowledge, I’ve never been cheated on. And because of that I’ve been wondering why this topic makes me incredibly nauseous. And it hit me. Rejection. Underneath all the rage and anger that I feel and the “oh no he didn’t”s and “I wish a n#gga would”s, my main issue is the fear of rejection that this cheating discussion invokes. And the only reason I even care is, of course, because I’m in a serious relationship.

My purpose in bringing this up is not to spark a debate about why men and women cheat, and who cheats more (men or women), and whether or not it’s excusable, blah, blah. I’m not here to define it either (as that seems to change from relationship to relationship). I’ve heard it enough times, and I’ve heard more rationales for it than I’d like. But I’m more or less opening up about my reaction and, more importantly, my interpretation of the discussion, and what it means for my relationship. Disclaimer: because I am a female in a heterosexual relationship, my views will be from a heterosexual woman’s point of view.

Rejection. That awful R word. That’s what I think about when I think about the possibility of being cheated on. It’s being so close and so vulnerable to someone only to find out that you’re not good enough. I’ve heard from a few guys in my circle that men can have meaningless flings without emotional attachment. That they can be with a woman and not even LIKE her. I suppose that should sooth my apprehensions…I mean after all “it’s just sex”, not LOVE, right?? Wrong. And as a woman I will never feel that way. I could go on also about the lying and manipulation that takes place in this kind of situation, but again I’m trying to keep personal…what I think about it and what it means for me.

I’m in a serious relationship with someone who truly shows me what love and commitment should be. I completely trust him, but there are times where I wonder if I might not be a victim one day. I’m a neurotic control freak who, admittedly, spends way more time worrying about potentially negative situations than focusing on the blessings that are in front of me. I’m still learning to totally give in to my feelings and allow myself to experience true love…and as a result of doing this, I relinquish all control. Honestly, as I type this I have no clue where I am going with this because there are so many directions I could take. But since I’ve been hearing about this topic so often, it just seems like so many people are taking the whole cheating thing lightly…like it’s just the thing to do these days. And that scares me. I guess that’s all I’m really trying to say……